June 6th, 2025
“We are always living in expectation of better things, while at the same time we often repent and long to have the past back again. We look upon the present as something to be put up with while it lasts, and serving only as the way towards our goal. Hence most people, if they glance back when they come to the end of life, will find that all along they have been living ad interim: they will be surprised to find that the very thing they disregarded and let slip by unenjoyed was just their life—that is to say, it was the very thing in the expectation of which they lived. Of how many a man may it not be said that hope made a fool of him until he danced into the arms of death!” - from Studies in Pessimism, by Arthur Schopenhauer. [1] and [2]
I have been living this way for quite some time. I have been waiting for my proposals to get accepted, my application verdicts to be announced, and waiting for something better to come. I realized that I have been living in a state of ad interim, always waiting, never being. I realized that the moments that I truly enjoy is the present, is the struggle to get to the goal. Not the goal itself. There was a businessman (I think Trump or Mark Cuban) that says “I dont do it to be rich, I just play it because I love the game”. Why not live this way? If I knew everything would be alright, why bother thinking about the future?
The next step is figuring out what to do in the present. What should I be thinking about, in the present? Pay attention, act on what you want to do instead of “someday”-ing that to its doom, define what “enough” is, take breaks, keep a journal, feel emotions instead of running away from them, and be grateful for the present.
Notes: